I know people who are so thin they can't find themselves in the dark. During the day, however, they inherit the earth -- or at least the beaches. The rest of us stay home, stay pale, and stay lumpy.

I, for example, am living proof that a person can survive on junk food, cigarettes, and coffee, though every day I vow -- usually while the Alka-Seltzer is fizzing -- that I'm going to eat right, exercise, quit smoking, and become so perfect that either Heaven or a TV commercial will want me.

The first stumbling block (after rolling out of bed) is in realizing that you have a problem with food, which comes from eating it. If you aren't sure whether or not you fit into this category, the following questions, devised by the renowned nutritionist, Dr. I. M. O'Bese, may give you the answer.

• Do you only get a clear look at your shoes when you first buy them?
• Have you discovered that you prefer to float at the bottom of the pool?
• Do you gargle with soda pop?
• When you look through your wedding album, do you fantasize about the cake instead of your spouse?
• Do you leave footprints in the sidewalk?
• Do your fingers get stuck between the black keys when you play the piano?
• Do you meet your doctor at a truck weigh-in station?
• Do your friends refer to you in the plural?
• Do you sprinkle sugar on your stamps before you lick them?
• Do you tell your children that Health is a place sinners go to?

If you answered "yes" to some of these questions, you, like me, are certifiably lumpy and should proceed to what Dr. O'Bese has to recommend. If you answered "yes" to all of the questions, your best bet is to wait for reincarnation.

In his highly acclaimed bestseller, I Lost 125 Pounds in One Day When My Wife Left Me, Dr. O'Bese gives some helpful advice on losing weight and getting back in shape. Here are some of the things he has to say in the introduction to his book:

"Since it is unrealistic to expect the government to deport thin people, we should try to live with them as best we can, even if it means losing weight ourselves.... I never would have gone on a diet myself if everything had grown in proportion when I put on weight, but it didn't. Of course, there wouldn't be any thin men in the world if that were the case.

"Before you begin your diet, here are a few general pointers it would be good to digest. First of all, don't go overboard. After all, if the boat is still floating with you on it, there's no need to jump off. Begin by cutting back slowly. For example, try switching from jelly doughnuts to plain doughnuts -- the hole in the center is nonfattening. Similarly, switch from peanut M&Ms to plain M&Ms. Later, when you're strong enough to do so, eat only the green and yellow M&Ms, and so on. It takes will power, but once you've gone this far, you'll find yourself eating lettuce in no time....

"Getting back in shape presupposes that you have a specific shape in mind to get back to. If you want an hourglass figure, I suggest that you eat sand (see Chapter 6, "Eating Dust Helps Keep the House Clean"). If you want to be as thin as a swizzle stick, a liquid diet might be just the thing (see Chapter 10, "Drunk As a Skunk, But Thin As a Pin").

"Exercise is also a very important element in shaping up. (For people who can't find their legs, there is a chapter on rolling exercises). Again, start slowly, even if you have to repress the gung-ho desire to jog ten miles the first day. Begin with something simple. Crossing your legs is a good place to start (this exercise should be done sitting down). This also leads right into the next exercise -- the push-up necessary to get out of the chair....

"Once you put your mind to it, there is no end to the possibilities. For example, why not stop wearing loafers and force yourself to tie shoelaces again? Don't be discouraged if you fall over a few times at first. It's well worth the agony. In fact, studies have shown that 90 percent of the beneficial exercise in jogging comes from lacing up the running shoes....

"I have tried to include as many simple but effective exercises as possible in my book. Some of the chapters that may change your life and your dress size are: "Using the Telephone Cord As a Jump Rope" ... "Calisthenics to Do While Driving" ... "How to Throw a Successful Tickling Party" ... "Pulling Zippers Builds Bigger Biceps" ... and "Exercising with Your Food," which includes such things as weight lifting with the rump roast, Frisbee-like games to play with frozen pizzas, juggling tomatoes and lemons at the supermarket, and learning to dance with asparagus.

"One last word of advice. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile, so when a skinny person smiles at you, scowl to your heart's content."